Speaking Love in the Right Language | PeonyMagazine

 

Here comes February. ’Tis the season of love again.

Valentine’s Day, when I think of it, I see couples loving each other — honest, faithful, loyal, committed. Some think of it as a day measured by presents: a bouquet of flowers, a bundle of chocolates, small surprises wrapped in red and pink. It always seemed like love had a formula during this season. You give something tangible, and that becomes proof that you care.

I have a friend who once received both a bouquet of flowers and a box full of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. She told me she appreciated the gesture. She really did. But she never liked flowers; she was allergic to them. And chocolates? She couldn’t eat them because she has diabetes.

We laughed about it when she told me. It sounded ironic to receive everything the world says you should want on Valentine’s Day and not be able to enjoy any of it. Behind those gestures, she didn’t tell her partner she didn’t like the gifts. She said she didn’t want to make him feel bad. She has always been the type who struggles to express emotions through words. She is more of action than language. She shows love by taking care of her partner, preparing his meals, making sure he gets enough rest, and remembering the little details. In short, she loves quietly, consistently, through doing.

Eventually, they broke up.

There was no big fight, no betrayal. They simply reached a point where they both felt unseen. They never really spoke to each other in a way that had their feelings, actions, and intentions meet in the middle. They cared, but somehow it still felt lacking.

In one of our Psychology classes, we discussed the concept of love languages — how each person has a certain way of expressing and receiving love. Some feel most loved through words of affirmation. Others through acts of service. Some through receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch. At first, it sounded like just another concept to understand for the sake of discussion. But the more I reflected on it, the more I realized it is not just theory, but awareness.

Sometimes, we love people in the way that is natural to us, assuming that it should be enough. If I feel loved when someone helps me, I will help you. If I feel valued when someone gives me gifts, I will give you gifts in return. We tend to give what we want to receive. But what if the person in front of us speaks a different language?

What if her partner thought the flowers and chocolates were the clearest way to say “I love you,” because that is how he understands love? And what if she needed something else? Like reassurance in words, maybe intentional time, maybe simply to be asked what she actually likes?

What if both of them were loving, but not in ways the other could fully recognize?

Knowing your partner’s love language is not about changing who you are. It is about paying attention, noticing how they naturally show care, and how they light up when they receive it in a certain way. It requires conversation, honesty, and sometimes an uncomfortable truth. It requires saying, “This is how I feel most loved,” without guilt. And it also requires listening without defensiveness.

But beyond all these frameworks and categories, I think what matters most is genuineness. Love languages can guide us, but they should not turn love into a checklist. At the end of the day, what makes love real is sincerity. It is being honest about what you feel and allowing the other person to do the same. It is not pretending to like flowers when you are allergic to them, and not assuming chocolates are enough when what you really need is presence.

More: https://peonymagazine.com/the-language-of-love/love-language-relationships/