Should You Be Friends with Your Ex? Here’s What I’ve Learned

 



Writing about this topic feels like stepping into the middle of a never-ending argument, like trying to answer whether the egg or the chicken came first. So let me start with a disclaimer: these thoughts are my own. They don’t come from a psychology book or some polished TED Talk. They come from my life, from the relationships I’ve had, the heartbreaks I’ve lived through, and the questions I still don’t always know how to answer.

I haven’t had a lot of relationships, not enough to call myself an expert, but enough to understand how complicated love can be, and how much more complicated it is when it ends. And maybe that’s why this question: should you be friends with your ex? doesn’t have one clear answer. It depends on the ending,  on the healing, and on you.

If a relationship ended in betrayal, if someone cheated or broke your trust in ways you’re still unpacking; staying friends with that person isn’t just difficult. It can feel like a betrayal to yourself. You might tell yourself it’s mature, or that you’re being the bigger person, but deep down, every interaction reopens something: a memory, a hurt, and a version of yourself you’re trying to outgrow. Keeping that person close can feel like voluntarily sitting in a room that still smells like smoke, even though the fire’s been out for a while.

In those moments, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to step back. Not to punish them, but to honor your own healing. There’s a kind of self-respect that comes with saying, I don’t hate you, but I need to go where I can breathe. And sometimes, that means shutting the door, even gently.

Peace doesn’t come just from moving on. It comes from protecting your space. And it’s hard to protect something when the person who hurt you still has access to your world; still sees your posts, still replies to your stories, still lingers in your inbox like a ghost that won’t go away.

And yet… I also understand the other side.

Sometimes, the relationship doesn’t end in flames. Sometimes, it just dissolves. You grow apart, you change, and you both realize that love isn’t always enough. In those cases, friendship doesn’t feel like self-betrayal. It feels like… letting go, with grace. I’ve seen that happen too, where both people walk away without resentment, just quiet respect and a strange kind of love that no longer needs to be romantic. 

So I guess what I’m saying is: before deciding whether to stay friends with your ex, ask yourself the question no one else can answer for you: Does this person still deserve a seat at my table? Not out of pity. Not out of nostalgia. But genuinely. Are they good for your peace? Do they show up in ways that honor who you are now, not who you were with them?

More: https://peonymagazine.com/love-family/friends-with-your-ex-guide/

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